My Life and Times

December 6, 2004TOKYO JOURNAL
At 35, a Princess Decides the Time Is Right to MarryBy NORIMITSU ONISHI
OKYO - Still single at age 35, Princess Sayako was an icon for the generation of young Japanese women who, despite being ignominiously cast into the "loser" category, have not married.
But next year, Princess Sayako, the daughter of Emperor Akihito, will marry Yoshiki Kuroda, a 39-year-old employee in the Tokyo government's city planning department. When news of the engagement was leaked recently, it brought cheers from Japanese who had watched her reply, on her birthday every April 18, that, no, she was not getting married yet.
Her engagement reflected the choices Japanese women are increasingly making, but it also underlined enduring social restrictions. After her wedding, the princess, unlike her older brothers, will have to leave the royal family and become a commoner, in keeping with the tradition of brides joining their husbands' households. Her children will have no rights of succession to the Japanese throne.
Still, her choice was applauded by women here.
"She's wonderful because she has waited until she became 35 years old and then found the best person at the best time for her," said Yuko Matsumoto, an author who writes about social and gender issues. "I assume that she had been pressured to marry when she was 25 or 30 years old."
Indeed, the princess, back in her 20's, was presented with many potential candidates, according to the Japanese news media. But nothing clicked. She chose instead to lead the unusual life of a bachelorette princess, engaging in her official duties and pursuing her interests in ornithology. (The kingfisher was of particular interest.)
On her birthday every year, following a custom established by the Imperial Household Agency, she answered questions from reporters, who invariably asked her about her marriage plans. In 1997, a year after saying that she "would like to refrain from further talking about the issue," the princess, then 28, was, of course, queried about her marriage plans.
"Since it is also a matter of concern for my long-term future," she answered in writing, "I am hoping to think about it carefully and not simply make a hasty decision."
In the years that followed, no decision was made in haste. Meanwhile, Japanese women kept postponing marriage, and Japan's marriage rate and birthrate kept declining. Japanese women have been increasingly able to lead fulfilling single lives, but continue to bear tremendous pressure from Japanese society to settle down.
The resulting feelings of frustration were captured last year in a best seller, "Howl of the Loser Dogs," by Junko Sakai. Ms. Sakai, herself in her late 30's and single, wrote about how single women in their 30's, no matter how successful, beautiful or popular, are considered "losers." In Japanese society, winners are still women who, as the Japanese expression says, "succeed" in marrying.
Ms. Sakai considers Princess Sayako the leading symbol for the single women described in her book. "I could not help seeing myself in Sayako whenever I saw a picture of the imperial family," Ms. Sakai wrote. "While Sayako's two brothers stand right next to their wives and children, she stands alone near the end. On some occasions, her brothers' wives stand before her. I can't help but recall my own situation when I can't sit still at family meetings."
And so when the princess turned 35 in April, the media showed officially approved images of her, holding a pair of binoculars as she engaged in bird-watching, smiling, standing alone. If the subtext was not clear enough, one reporter asked for her opinions on unmarried women in their 30's.
"There are people around me who devote themselves mainly to their families, women who balance the demands of work and family, and single women who continue to pursue work or study," the princess said. "They all work hard and sometimes go through difficult times, and when I have the opportunity to see how they live their lives or talk with them, I share and empathize with each of them and am often greatly encouraged by them."
By then, however, she was already in courtship with Mr. Kuroda, an acquaintance from childhood and a friend of her brother, Prince Akishino, according to the news media here. (E-mail messages were reportedly exchanged 10 times a day.) The news of their engagement seemed to provide hope for Japanese in their 30's, and their parents, that being single and in one's 30's was not necessarily a one-way street to the Loser Doghouse.
"When to get married? When to have a baby?" Naoki Inose, a well-known author, wrote in the weekly Shukan Bunshun. "The news of the engagement of Princess Sayako, at 35, and Yoshiki Kuroda, at 39, has offered one norm to members of the young generation wondering when is the deadline for them."
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